it hurts.
it's like taking my own gun and shooting it where it hurts the most, my heart.
I bet you this is the saddest song you will ever hear. And one of you can relate to this one.
Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me
All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's a spinning circus on a wheel
And I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced, intoxicating on her lips
Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed
To wear your freedom down
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say, but
Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
- A Fine Frenzy
there are so many if's that is swirling around my mind lately. I made some decisions earlier in my life that is coming back and biting me in the ass now. of course there is the usual if i could turn back the time, would you... would i be... will we be... and the thing is, now, today, at this present time i could only do so much. and that is not enough. so is it too late? maybe. but that is the fact that i may have to live and accept whether i like it or not. if i can be someone more than who i am, more like the one you need, one who wouldn't hurt you just as much would you.. could you.. should you? if i had to do this all again, clean the slate and start from scratch, can i... will i?
if i can learn to say im sorry in all the language, well maybe except chinese cause that's just hard, would you, could you forgive me then?
if i can write i love you's on the great wall, maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't be scared to love me again.
i wish for the stars too
and for the moon and the sky for you
i wish
i wish
i wish i could open up
share everything
open up the bags full of stories
that i stored under my bed
stored for you
i need you to see
my thoughts and my feelings
are all the same
i need you to see
i need you to see
i want to hold your hand
if i could
i would lay with you under the stars
just to see you smile.
Photography, I once heard is from a greek word that means "writing with light". Which technically is true as great photographs for me if taken with great lighting - even in the dark.
I am always facsinated with cameras. Growing up, I remember my mom telling my dad not to give me the camera at one of our family outings as I will just snap away and finish the whole roll of film, and we didn't have any spare. So when I turned high school, my dad got a canon SLR from his Uncle. It was black and silver and really heavy. I never bothered to look at the model because for it that is THE camera. We had fun with it, I learned the function of the f-stops that is on one of the rings of the lens (nowadays with the DSLR, everything is at the touch of the button) as it has e little sticker at the back with illustrations on what type to use with what kind of settings and the ISO settings and shutter speeds. Then about a year ago, I got a Nikon d60 DSLR. I had fun with it, shot maybe a thousand shots and making myself familiar with all the buttons and stuff. Although I missed the old SLR where everything you need is right out there. Now, that I don'y have my d60 anymore (I became the greatest sister when I gave my lttle brother the camea) I realized Im much more at ease with the old school camera where you can find the f-stops on the lens, the ISO setting at the top near the shutter and that's just about everything that you need. Because when I had my DSLR, I found out I need to adjust my white balance, and also metering, and also the automatic adjustments of the lens (as manual adjustment of the lens is a pain) and don't forget the rule of thirds, so instead of focusing on my shot, I found myself focusing more on whether my settings are correct which became a frustration for me. So the one thing that is supposed to be fun for me became more and more like hard work and deep analyzation and not just snapping away on my supposed to be subjects.
BUT, I have a solution for it. I found a great way to enjoy photography and bring back the excitement it once had on me. Im going back to the basics. Yes, my new camera is now on it's way and I can't wait to get it and test it. I got a toy camera (a what?) and will now shoot with no rules.
Think less, enjoy more!
There are many moments in life that we regret. Sometimes we go through our everyday life thinking about a moment in our life wishing how we can go back to it, just that moment, that second when you did something, said something that changed everything. Somewhere, at some point in our life, we experience these moments and realized how we f**cked everything up.
It could be not turning off the iron that resulted the burning down of a house. Drinking a little too much and then driving and never reaching home. Letting your friend drive drunk. That one careless night. Shouting insanities and meaningless words to your partner or sometimes not saying anything at all. Letting that someone go without a word, without a fight. Or laying your insensitive hand to her delicate skin. That first puff, first hit, the moment that the needle touched skin. There are so many of this moment that each and everyone of us wish that they could come back to, even for a second, to change everything and nothing at all.
But we all know that this can never be. And we can do nothing but go forward and live life as we know it. With these regrets hanging over and heads and wondering when will these thoughts go? When will these feeling of guilt stop consuming my heart? And even though we know the answers, even though with our practiced lines of im sorry's and mumbled apologies to those we hurt in that split second of immaturity and stupidness, that feeling of regret will never go away... And the "what if's" that will inevitably follow.
Listening to: Broken by Seether
I went to the doctor today. I finally had the guts to ask what was wrong with me this past few days. My stomach hurts everytime I swallow some food down. Not the diarrhea kind, but the acid-is-coming-up-my-mouth (sorry for the visual) kinda stomach ache. I went to a surgeon, and I really thought that I will be rolled in surgery at that moment in time as he also asked me if I've undergone surgery before. so yes, I have (this is from the paper he gave me) GASTRITIS NEC*MAIN and HELICOBACTER PYLORI ( i dunno what that one is) which would lead to ulcer if i didn't respond well to his medications. I have 3 medicines that i needed to take for a couple of days and i just have to pray that it wouldn't lead to more serious illness. Im off cheese, milk, spicy foods, soda (gasp!) and limit my coffee to once a day and i should drink it with food.
im gonna miss my coke and pepsi... *sigh*
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.
-james blunt
Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.My head against the wall.
But I did this to myself.
Assume it's just not worth getting back up so I'll blame it on bad luck.
I'll shake responsibilityand say a hard life did this to me
ow I realize, I'd give anything I have
to walk a day in my old shoes.
Wondering what my first smoke would be like,
my first fuck, my next fuck up.
Or the next band that would change my life
-bayside
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